“This Ain’t Portal XXX”: You’ll be GLaDOS you did

"This Ain't Portal XXX"

“This Ain’t Portal XXX,” in which a team of body-modified stars of the San Francisco porn scene blast gloryholes into walls with the help of a benevolent robot called GLAADOS, is the first direct videogame-to-porn crossover.

Valve Software, creator of the 2-part “Portal” videogame series featuring malevolent operating system GLaDOS, is in no way connected with this parody, stresses “Portal XXX” director Loup Perch-Tounge, owner of HairPie Productions, who penned the script for “This Ain’t Portal” when s/he couldn’t think of an ending to their porn adaptation of “Lego Harry Potter.”

“San Francisco is built on a wide network of gloryholes,” Perch-Tounge says, “and I felt that the characters’ quest to find gloryholes within the co-opted Aperture Corporation spoke to the struggle our community faces in bringing differing gender roles, body types, and sexual orientations to the screen.”

The result, Perch-Tounge says, “is a movie just as joyless as the original game as well as all our other movies.”

Porn adaptations overwhelmingly favor direct parodies of television and movies, like Gram Ponante’s epochal “Facts of Life XXX.” But they can also follow a fan fiction route, as in Sam Hain’s “Sex Files” dark parodies or “Star Trek: The Next Generation XXX.”

The most popular parody, Digital Playground’s “Pirates” series, wound a circuitous path from Disneyland ride to Hollywood movie to porn spoof.

“This Ain’t Portal” is the first movie to recognize a videogame’s popularity as a parody source all its own; even Exquisite Films’ “Tomb Raider XXX,” starring Chanel Preston, is adapted from the Angelina Jolie movie, not the 1996 videogame.

With its theme of “Still Erect,” “Portal XXX” even subverts the paradigm of the game, Perch-Tounge says, noting that the game’s robot, GLaDOS, was evil.

“So even if ‘This Ain’t Portal XXX’ is not entertaining,” Perch-Tounge says, “at least it’s groundbreaking.”

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Aynal Architecture—”This Ain’t The Fountainhead”; Preventing “This Ain’t Antichrist XXX”; Preventing “This Ain’t El Topo XXX”

5 thoughts on ““This Ain’t Portal XXX”: You’ll be GLaDOS you did

  1. If you did consider making it, I would be happy to donate time, energy, and ideas towards whatever was needed. Hell, if I happened to be out there (I believe we’re looking at quarterly visits to headquarters) I would cheerfully build sets and props and costumes and whatever for nothing more than the satisfaction of bringing geek porn into the world.

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