I Would Like A Cone Dipped in MILF, Please

As a pre-review aside, I want to thank the person who came up with the joke “My father always told me that, when you hear an ice cream truck jingle, it means that they don’t have any ice cream left.”

More pleasant (much more pleasant, actually) than watching the awkward sex on restaurant equipment on display in “LA MILF Truck” is knowing that that same truck sells authentic New York Italian Ice to little leaguers across the San Fernando Valley.

We have seen the food truck as rolling sex surface before, most notably in Erica McLean’s “The Flying Pink Pig” series, but the New York Ice Truck, owned by former pornographer Rob Spallone (“My Big Fat Gangbang,” “The Joey Buttafuoco Sex Tape”) seems like a better fit just because you believe Spallone knows just where to wipe afterward.

Not only that, but the MILF angle helps, too. Imagine Phoenix Marie and Charisma Capelli rolling around Porn Valley picking up dudes. They’re not interested in beds with crisp, cool sheets like blushing coquettes; they’ll fuck you right on the refrigerator.

Sadly, the in-truck sex is filmed awkwardly, but still more awkward is the transition to your standard-issue porn set where the blessed act is finished in certain scenes. I know it’s a Damned If You Do proposition, but perhaps producers should have thought of that before greenlighting a food truck porn movie.

And again, just because a woman isn’t 20 doesn’t make her a MILF. If you were to describe a woman as a MILF, wouldn’t you take into account her offspring in making that determination? For some reason Porn considers itself above the law in that case.

That said, if Phoenix Marie came to my neighborhood in an ice cream truck, I’d make an unironic beeline for it like it was pre-hipster Brooklyn.

Also: I’d get her pregnant to validate her MILF legitimacy, so that she wouldn’t have to live in shame.

Buy “LA MILF Truck” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Lou & Amy & Joe & Evanka: Coming to terms with your celebrity sex tape; Phoenix Marie makes it easy to follow the rules; “Miss Conduct”: Workplace sexual harassment done right
See also: Hustler