“Jaws XXX 3D”: Nice Quint

Stuart Canterbury’s “This Ain’t Jaws XXX 3D,” a joint production of Hustler (who provided the “This Ain’t”) and Adam & Eve (who threw in a wet Alexis Ford), will make you spill your Kintner kid all over the dock.

But my jury is still out over whether it should have been called “Jizz.”

Studio: Adam & Eve/Hustler
Director: Stuart Canterbury
Starring: Dale Dabone, Alexis Ford, Darcy Tyler, Evan Stone, Lily Labeau, Danny Wylde, Phoenix Marie, Rocco Reed, Jayden Cole

“Jaws” is a very important movie to me, and I’ve watched it at least 100 times. Despite my love for the original, the fact that the character of Hooper, originally inhabited by known pornhound and AVN attendee Richard Dreyfuss, is now played by a far less hairy Alexis Ford, was a welcome change (and Canterbury promoted her to Doctor). I also had no problem with the husky Dale Dabone playing the part—Chief Brody—that a much leaner Roy Scheider made famous.

Furthermore, I think Lily Labeau looked way more delicious as the shark’s first victim than Susan Blacklinie. But Labeau should have played Brody’s wife, as she is porn’s answer to Lorraine Gary.

Canterbury tightens up the original plot for porn purposes, involving crusty sea captain Quint (a scenery-chewing Evan Stone who finally gets chewed) earlier in the action, and setting up a tryst between Mayor Vaughn and Hooper that makes closing the beaches seem a little more palatable.

“This Ain’t Jaws” is one of those instances in which the porn version is more wholesome than the original. In Peter Benchley’s book, for example, (the male) Hooper has an affair with Brody’s wife. You’d think that Canterbury’s version would set up a 3-way between Quint, Brody, and Hooper, yet Brody remains faithful onboard, even as Hooper flounces around naked.

Another narrative triumph involves Jayden Cole. As Brody’s vapid wife, Cole makes us understand why the water-shy Brody decides to go to sea. Or maybe I’m reading into it.

Review continues after gallery:

While there is no Indianapolis speech, Quint and Hooper compare scars (Hooper got this one in Tijuana, she says, when the donkey kicked her after the show) and Quint explains that he’s going fishing with the worm he keeps in his pants, prompting Hooper (not Brody, sadly) to say, “I think you’re gonna need a bigger dick.”

For a musical rendition of the Indianapolis speech, look no further than my favorite band, Fogelfoot, who also supplied the theme song to my “Facts of Life” parody:

Listen:
[audio:http://www.fogelfoot.com/fogelfiles/Indianapolis.mp3|titles=Show Me the Way to Indianapolis|artists=Fogelfoot]Show Me the Way to Indianapolis by Fogelfoot

The budget didn’t allow for a slap-happy humiliation scene with Mrs. Kintner, a BBW/GILF interlude with Polly, or any blood (perhaps that was Adam & Eve’s idea), but the beaches of Malibu subbed for Martha’s Vineyard, and thus we are treated to a delightfully extraneous scene with Phoenix Marie in a changing tent.

Oh, Phoenix Marie, you’re gonna need a bigger throat.

• Buy “This Ain’t Jaws XXX 3D” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Various porn stars posing with my first edition of “Jaws”
See also: Hustler, Adam & Eve