Since I was not there when it happened, I couldn’t see if Steve Hirsch’s tongue was in his cheek or anywhere else when he announced that Vivid had offered “up to” $1 million and a year of health insurance to Octomom Nadya Suleman to appear in a Vivid movie.
“We’ve had many single mothers work with us over the years,” Hirsch said, not incorrectly. “We would schedule production so that the movie could be shot in less than one week.”
Not that Vivid has been in negotiations with Suleman’s “people” (whoever may be left) or has sent Paul Thomas on location scouts to the Whittier area, or has done anything more than type up a press release in the same way that I used to say that I wanted Santa to bring me a working Death Star, but sometimes it’s important to just put it out there and see what happens.
But it makes me melancholy. Suleman is such a pathetic character and, though porn performers (and Los Angeles County residents in general) are sometimes pathetic characters, I thought Vivid would stop at Showtime specials and actual C-list attention-seekers for its harmless publicity stunts, but as Suleman’s already tattered reputation would undoubtedly suffer as a result of performing in a porn movie, making that offer seems a little classless.
UPDATE: Pink Visual, on the other hand, has offered Suleman a year of diapers not to take the Vivid offer. Now that’s classy. Since it also offers green porn, I’m assuming Pink Visual’s diapers will be the reusable cloth ones. God Damn that house is gonna smell.
In the past week it has been revealed that Suleman’s residence is in foreclosure, that she has been divorced (eroding some of the support of Pro-Life groups that have been her only defenders), and that she has been dropped by the PR company engaged to handle a firestorm of bad publicity. Many women who went on to successful porn careers never had homes, husbands, or PR representation to begin with, hence why Suleman is being courted for Vivid’s Celeb label.
Vivid wasn’t clear about whether the health insurance would include the octuplets and/or Suleman’s six other less-famous children, or who Vivid would engage as the healthcare provider, but Hirsch did say Suleman could choose her partner. Maybe it will be Ray J? Or perhaps Vivid will poach Screech from Red Light District?
Speaking of appropriating the methods of other companies, I was surprised to see the Vivid logo on the press announcement. This seems like a stunt more up Hustler’s alley, like when it and Joe Francis suggested that the adult industry needed a $5 billion bailout last month.
That said, speculation around the seedier cubicles of Gram Ponante Towers, Incubator, La Leche League franchise, Hatchery, and Sea of Balls suggests the following titles for an Octomom porn:
1. Single White Female 2 (Suleman’s eagerness to be just like Angelina Jolie both in the lip and baby department suggests Jennifer Jason Leigh’s need to emulate Bridget Fonda in the 1998 original, plus she’s single. Fellas?)
2. Vivid’s In-Vitro Gangbang: Beakermilves Gone Wild
3. Old School Fertilization: You Know What We’re Talking About
4. Bellflower Trash Gash Bash
5. Vivid’s 80-finger Handjobs (with Penny Flame)
HONORABLE MENTION: Octothorping OctoMom: A Pound Sign In an Unsound ‘Gine
Stranger things have happened than OctoMom porn (and I am devastated that someone else coined the term OctoMILF, because I thought I was pretty creative prior to that bubble-popping Google search), but I really hope it doesn’t happen. I don’t need to see another Ray J movie.
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: Vivid at 25 – porn with a little reality; Wrangling a sex tape; Lou & Amy & Joe & Evanka: Coming to terms with your celebrity sex tape
See also: Vivid
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