Pornollaneous 8.26.10

Too big for a Twitter post, too little for a novel, here are the week’s pornollaneous events that, taken as a whole, answer the most basic questions about our existence.

This Week: Vivid releases gonzo bathing suit line, suggests all porn is a lie; Digital Sin makes my testicles recede; Jamye Waxman confirms I have a great face for radio; Ryan Keely shows admirable restraint by not mentioning Narfs

Her Name Is Lexi, So Why Do I Think “Montana Fishburne”?

Black Ice’s “Black Amateur Adventures 3” features the tasty Lexi on the cover. Lexi appears to be wearing a swimsuit designed by the guy who does all of Vivid’s boxcovers.

Like Fishburne, Lexi is 19. Like you, her scene partner can’t keep his hand out of his pants.

I am not suggesting you should buy this title rather than the imminent Montana Fishburne video. Nor should you infer that Morpheus is paying me to suggest you shouldn’t buy the Montana Fishburne video.

You Mean It’s Not A Female Fantasy To Swallow A Goblet Containing the Sperm of a Roomful of Unemployed GED Recipients?

A recent Vivid press release is headlined thusly: VIVID SET TO RELEASE HIGHLY ANTICIPATED TRISTAN TAORMINO’S ROUGH SEX 2 BASED ON REAL-LIFE FEMALE FANTASIES.

While it is not the job of a press release to specify “highly anticipated” by whom, the inclusion of “real-life female fantasies” throws into question every porn ever made that features women kneeling with their hands behind their backs to receive a load in the eye. Is Vivid suggesting that those women would have rather been doing something else?

“Rough Sex 2” will … challenge conventional wisdom about the fantasy lives of women

…says the press release. Please let me know if Vivid interviewed you about your wisdom on the fantasy lives of women for this movie.

Boobs Formation to Asphyxiate You

I don’t think I have been brainwashed by the Boob Industrial Complex into artificially liking boobs. I, like you, think they’re great. All sizes of them, in fact.

But the cover of Digital Sin’s “Big Beautiful Boobs,” featuring five large-breasted women (with Halie James wearing sunglasses, for some reason) in an exploding lotus pattern, doesn’t do it for me at all.

It looks like James popped up, 100 feet tall, over a nearby mountain with her four gargantuan-breasted henchgiantesses behind her. And again: Why is she wearing sunglasses?

Waxman is my mail-order bride

Sex educator and miracle of science Jamye Waxman returned the compliment by interviewing me for her podcast, Hot Sox. She also used a clip from “Mail Order Bride” by America’s Only Band, Fogelfoot.

Her questions revealed a curiosity about who I am, really, that I hadn’t considered before. Perhaps I should lead a more examined life? Nah, let scholars examine it when I’m dead, which should be any day now.

[Hot Sox on iTunes | Jamye Waxman]

M. Night Shyamalan Wants to Be “Happening” on Ryan Keely

Unless the wonderful Ryan Keely gets into the business of Professional Holocaust Denial or becomes a Tea Party candidate, I will support her in everything she does. And, like everyone who has seen director M. Night Shyamalan’s “Sixth Sense,” “Unbreakable,” and – what the hell – “Signs,” I think the Philadelphia native is both phenomenally talented and at the far end of five years of diminishing creative returns, and I want him to do a great movie again.

Will that movie be “Devil,” in which a group of people trapped in an elevator discovers one of their number might not be who he seems? Not likely, if this head-scratchingly unfunny “Escalations,” the MTV after Dark parody featuring Shyamalan, Josh Horowitz, and Ryan Keely on a stuck escalator is any indication.

Still, Keely looks great and does the best with the material she is given. At the end of the day, that should be enough.

“I was humbled, honored and excited to work with Josh Horowitz and M. Night Shyamalan,” said Keely in a statement. “I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in one afternoon. Making the spoof was an unforgettable experience.”