Today in Ridiculous Porn Movies: I Know What You Did Last “Summer Lovin’”

I know it’s officially Fall, but sometimes I long for those simpler times of a week ago, where mixed-race couples shared food at town picnics and Asian girls were elected beauty queens. Now even an Indian Miss America can’t catch a break.

summer20 Studio: Wicked Passions
Director:Barrett Blade
Starring: Asa Akira, Alektra Blue, Misty Stone, Nicole Aniston, Bill Bailey, Richie Calhoun, Ryan McClane, Seth Gamble, Kelly Shibari

In a dusty, multiethnic town where the residents dream of leaving for, among other places, Tulsa, young Keiko (Asa Akira) falls for inarticulate bumpkin/drifter Jake (Bill Bailey).

Wicked’s “Summer Lovin'” imagines a secluded town in which all the women are beautiful (Misty Stone, Alektra Blue, Akira), all the men are young and good-looking (Seth Gamble, Richie Calhoun) and the matriarch of a house in which most of these people live speaks only Japanese (Kelly Shibari) but does more housework than Stone, the woman identified as the maid.

Into this mix drifts Jake, somehow a friend of Alan (Gamble) from the latter’s college days (“he didn’t go to college,” Alan explains, “he worked at the pool hall’). Jake and Akira immediately fall for each other despite the fact that Alan is Keiko’s fiance and the two not only seem to get along, but also have the blessing of Keiko’s mom.

At a town picnic (we expect a Wicker Man), Richie Calhoun bangs a soon-to-be-drunk Alektra Blue. They make it back in time to see Keiko crowned Picnic Queen. Blue congratulates Keiko, probably still smelling of Calhoun’s Wicked-issued condom.

I’ll reiterate that this is a remote desert town where we have already seen (1.) blacks and whites dancing together at a picnic, (2.) a Japanese-American crowned picnic queen, and (3.) her mother’s lack of English of concern to no one. Yet it is at this point that Misty Stone, the black maid who has not been viewed working once, delivers boyfriend Ryan McClane an ultimatum: take her to Chicago so they can “walk hand in hand.”

Alektra Blue causes a scene at the picnic and Alan, suspicious of his girl and his old college-adjacent buddy, tells Jake to get out of his face. Scandalized, Jake steals a car. Keiko follows him and gets in. They profess their love for each other.

“When I was dancing with you it wasn’t like dancing with other guys. They always seem so nervous,” Keiko says. “Not sure what to do next.”

“I’ve ran away from everything my whole entire life,” says Jake.

“Sometimes I wish I could run away,” says Keiko.

This movie is ridiculous.

Though uncredited on the boxcover, Kelly Shibari is downright poignant in her portrayal of Keiko’s mom. Misty Stone also acts circles around the script. Sadly, the movie crashes around Bailey, who looks good but has trouble selling his lines.

I hope Stone and McClane made it to Chicago, because that town does things to people.