This movie combines the cheese of a Jim Holliday 90’s-era classic with all the regrettable tattoos, piercings, implants, gym memberships, greenscreens, and bald pussies today’s porn consumers crave. “Conan” is a fun throwback.
Without having seen the original (I am clairvoyant and prudish and frown on future adulterers), I really enjoyed Hustler’s “Conan the Barbarian” parody because it was goodhearted, silly, and gave a fuck.
Conan (Lee Stone) is released (by a master who looks like Jeff Lynne of ELO) from a “Spartacus”-style servitude (the voiceover makes no mistake of that, referencing “blood and sand”) and hooks up with the slightly less-massive Tommy Gunn in a series of adventures.
Along the way, he meets a hottie who turns into a witch-MILF (Stone’s chest is bigger than hers), rides a horse, sees a snake, and decapitates Sean Michaels dressed as Rick James.
What is charming (and effective) about this movie is not the special effects (90’s-era syndicated television at best, but try doing “Highlander”-style VFX on director Stuart Canterbury’s budget), the fight scenes (ahem), or the locations, but the attitude; “Conan” as a porn parody reassures us that everyone is here to have a good time and look at naked ladies.
All the women (Jayden Cole as a masturbating servant girl, Jazy Berlin as warrior chick Valeria, and the other tasty women the production didn’t bother to credit with a name) are buxom and fleshy, perfectly cast for this sort of movie, and Canterbury even threw in some dialogue-only, scenery-chewing non-sex roles, which always gives a production a feeling of weight and financial solvency.
“Conan” comments on itself in a cute way (dead Valeria comes back to urge Conan to kill Rick James/Sean Michaels and “end the movie”) but doesn’t skimp on actually presenting a movie; there is a beginning, middle, and end to “Conan” that may have been lifted from the original but also provides people who actually buy porn (and the demographic that actually remembers the Arnold Schwarzenegger original might just be the last group that does) with a story. It was fun to watch.
Missing from the movie is any behind the scenes interviews with stars Lee Stone or Tommy Gunn, any commentary at all about how a live snake and not one but two horses were employed, or a dramatis personae—the cast did a fine job; why not credit them? The credits also don’t tell us who wrote the movie.
I received a 2-D version of this movie, which was shot in 3-D. I can only say the lighting was very rich and deep, and the dimensions of the actresses will certainly benefit from the extra-dimensional treatment.
Buy “This Ain’t Conan the Barbarian” here
Previously on Porn Valley Observed: “Gov Lov: The Eliot Splitz-her Story”—Will it play in Nyack?
See also: Hustler