Give me all your squirting or: When ZZ Top met “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert”

When juicy women of a certain age, some with large, fake breasts, decide to become lesbians, it is a significant time worthy of a road trip. We go along on this journey of discovery for “Road Queen 16.”

Studio: Girlfriends Films
Director: ?
Starring: Chastity Lynn, Tanya Tate, Deauxma, Dia Zerva, Dragon Lily, June Summers, Sarah Blake

Tanya Tate plays one of those imperious madams only found in porn movies in the faux-lesbian odyssey “Road Queen 16.” She picks at a salad, makes no eye contact, and listlessly reads a magazine. What could possibly get her attention?

Not being familiar with the line, I imagine that Girlfriends Films “Road Queen” series, since most of the covers feature a hot pink classic roadster, are sort of like ancient ZZ Top videos, but with shaven ladies instead of bearded men popping out of the vehicle to make things right in dusty desert towns.

Ariella is hitchhiking in the noonday sun when she is picked up by Deauxma. Ariella takes Deauxma to Tate, and the three share the type of awkward conversation common to the first porn anyone ever watches. It’s excruciating, and I think I even heard the cameraman cough. And Tate is first referred to as “Claudia” and then as “Tanya,” further casting doubt on her authority.

But that awkwardness all comes to an end in the bedroom, thank Goddess, when Tate tries Deauxma on for size. The two wrestle and get all sweaty, and then Deauxma spectacularly squirts. I guess she’s hired!

Maybe the first 15 episodes explain the story of the car, and if it changes hands by magic, like Christine. Regardless, I know that it wasn’t the car that melted Claudia/Tanya’s heart: it was a squirt in the face.

Unfortunately my screener DVD quit after the first couple of scenes, thus never answering my questions about Chastity Lynn, the suckling $5,000-per-session prostitute who is identified as transgender but appears to only have female parts. Can Tate and Co. get away with a mind-only tranny?

I like the choice of talent in this movie, even if the script seems unmatched to the performers. Usually I fast forward through the sex in movies, but in this case I was really looking forward to the talent dispatching with the small talk.