“This Ain’t Star Trek 2 XXX: The Butterfly Effect” or “This Ain’t ‘Wrath of Khan,’ either”

All I wanted from this NC(C)-17(01) adaptation of “Star Trek 2” was that the Ricardo Montalban character not be called “Khunt.” I got my wish.

Studio: Hustler
Director: Axel Braun
Starring: Kimberly Kane, Evan Stone, Anthony Rosano, Keni Styles, Kagney Linn Karter, Madison Scott, Tony DeSergio, Jada Fire, Cheyne Collins, Joey Brass, Alexis Texas, Jennifer Dark

My nerd credentials are limited to my stylish eyewear, but even I am deeply saddened for every porn-watching Trekkie (that’s at least 98 percent of them) that thinks “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX 2: The Butterfly Effect” (written as an episode of the series and not as a parody of “The Wrath of Khan,” which was “The Empire Strikes Back” of the theatrical “Star Trek” movies) will satisfy their craving for porn/geek fan fiction. It won’t.

Porn parodies (as I, America’s Beloved Porn Journalist, choose to define them), need to do more than slap a pair of ears on a performer to be useful.

It is a shame that talented director Axel Braun, who clearly put so much thought into the set and costumes for this movie, didn’t require anyone but Evan Stone to watch an original episode of “Star Trek.”

After all, this isn’t “This Ain’t Baywatch XXX” (why hasn’t that been made?), where all you’d need is some red swimsuits and an ocean; “Star Trek” is a show with a cast of recognizable characters, none of which – save for Stone – is plausibly suggested by its porn counterpart.

I take that back. Jada Fire as Uhura makes sense. One likes to believe that Nichelle Nichols really wanted to be Jada Fire, what with her groovy 60’s interracial leanings.

But Tony DeSergio as Spock was disappointing. DeSergio normally is a fine performer (as is Anthony Rosano, who played the Scots Mr. Scott, sort of), but the powers that be probably thought that all he needed was a costume and ears to be an effective Mr. Spock.

Wrong! I say, pushing my glasses up on my nose.

Stone does an excellent William Shatner imitation (he even gets Shatner’s hands right), providing Prong One of Axel Braun’s Hell-hearted stab at authenticity, the other being the mirror-image set design, which recalls the original more often than it doesn’t, and which suggests that perhaps Gene Roddenberry and company were working with porn budgets.

The crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise is lured to an alien planet, the inhabitants of which fuck them but also enslave them. Kirk beds their queen (Kimberly Kane) and saves the day.

There’s also a sequence in which a ripple in time (a Butterfly Effect, I guess) is created, so we get to see Alexis Texas as a convincing Marilyn Monroe fucking an utterly unconvincing Jack Kennedy in the Oval Office.

The women – never central to any “Star Trek” episode – do fine. Fire’s Uhura and Kane’s alien queen deliver great sex scenes, of course, and do their best with the lines assigned to them. The delicious KLK, the spinner Madison Scott, and the exotic Jennifer Dark also perform their duties admirably. Texas steals whatever is left to steal of the show.

But it made me wonder how much parodies actually sell that a talented cast such as this one couldn’t be put to work on a less costly project that also exploited their strengths. Kane, DeSergio, Rosano, and Styles were really wasted in this movie.

Or, on the other hand, how good might “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX 2” have been if the supporting cast sat down for 22 goddamn minutes to watch Messrs. Nimoy, Doohan, Kelley, and Koenig?

Or maybe – just maybe – the movie could have been better had it gone the “Khan” route with Marco Banderas as the title character opposite Stone.

But none of those things happened. This porn parody was not a worthy enterprise.

• Buy “This Ain’t Star Trek 2 XXX: The Butterfly Effect” here

Previously on Porn Valley Observed:
See also: Hustler