Like a vampire, I was moving west down Ventura Blvd. when I got it into my head to survey the current state of Porn Lesbians. This group differentiates itself from the lesbians I used to know at the Post Office in three ways:
- They all have high heels soldered to their feet
- They wear lingerie to work as opposed to underpants
- They’d rather get on each other than Disability
But these things are known, and codified. What I wanted to find out on the set of Dana Vespoli’s “Lesbian Office Seductions 8″ is how porn lesbians function in the workplace. Here is what I found out.
We are in a professional office in Sherman Oaks—not a porn studio—that has been rented out this afternoon for some she-nanigans.
“Dana (Dearmond) is an ad executive and Julia Ann is her Client from Hell,” Vespoli explains. Vespoli is a performer and director who makes some dirty, dirty movies. Today she is working for Sweetheart Video, which makes girl-on-girl movies for an audience—this is just wild speculation on my part—mostly comprised of men.
Because there’s lesbian porn made for men starring women who work with men in other movies (who may also have boyfriends or husbands in real life), and lesbian porn made for women, starring women who want nothing to do with men, thank you. In the middle (and off to either side) there’s genderqueer porn, lesbian scenes in otherwise “straight” movies, and lesbian porn for lesbians starring straight women whom lesbians can’t get enough of (Justine Joli is in most of these).
Today we land firmly in the realm of lesbian porn for straight guys.
On set are Evelyn Lin and April O’Neil, prepping for a later scene I will not see, sadly. Regardless, I am very excited to talk with O’Neil about beloved Scotsman Sylvester McCoy, the Seventh Doctor in the “Doctor Who” series, who will play Radagast the Brown in this December’s first “Hobbit” movie.
Nothing is more arousing to women than to talk about “Doctor Who,” especially pre-2005 reboot “Doctor Who.” Soon O’Neil is pinioning up and down on me like a pungent jackhammer.
Everything in the previous paragraph is a lie.
[UPDATE FROM APRIL O'NEIL: Except the first sentence. /UPDATE FROM APRIL O'NEIL]
What is true is that Vespoli and DeArmond are conferring over DeArmond’s costume suitcase before agreeing on a sensible sexy office outfit for her to be fucked out of.
“You look nice,” says Mark Kernes of AVN, an adult industry trade magazine.
“That’s because you never see me in nice things,” DeArmond says. Later, I compliment her on her bra, because that’s a surefire way to not appear creepy.
“It’s from Target,” she whispers.
DeArmond’s voice is a little smoky. She has just returned from a weekend in Vegas, which is like a glottal death sentence. I imagine she’s playing going to be turning the tables on her Client from Hell.
Meanwhile, Julia Ann is sliding in and out of various leopard print things, which she can do all day as far as I’m concerned. She is juicy, and I imagine if she swung her hair at me I would sustain injuries. I don’t imagine she would strike any reasonable person as a lesbian, but that’s me labeling people.
She tells me all about the fresh, locally-grown seasonal fruit and vegetable delivery service Farm Fresh To You, and when I sign up later there is no referral field for Woman I’ve Seen Naked A Million Times.
In short order the outfits are selected and DeArmond and Julia Ann are undressing each other, posing near some golf clubs (the only nod to lesbians visible in the room) and laying each other out on an uncomfortable-looking table. Photographing things is Kevin Moore, who directs several POV series for Evil Angel.
“Your dick is so straight,” DeArmond says. “It’s weird seeing pictures of it.”
It must be said that the porn world, always an insular one, is even more contracted lately. Moore wears different hats across Porn Valley, just as many pornographers do. In the other room Chad Diamond is moving tables around as the set Production Assistant; on another day he might be #4 in a gangbang line. I get a text from the editor of a German porn magazine that will likely pay me in six months for work I turn in tomorrow. You think anyone is going to turn down work?
It is a fast-moving, convivial set, and everyone knows exactly what he or she is doing. It’s not rocket science (now Sally Ride—there was a lesbian), but it would have taken so much longer if all the rules and movements of a porn set had to be explained to a newcomer.
Moore finishes shooting still shots of simulated sex and DeArmond and Julia Ann get ready for the real scene. But I’ve got to go; I’ve experienced the fun part already.
As I cross the street to my car, I think: We didn’t talk about what it means to be a lesbian once, yet those women were performing all kinds of lesbiatrics. Maybe we should stop labeling things and just realize that love is love.
But then I think: If we stop labeling things, how will I know the next Asian BBW Interracial Cock-Swap when I see one?
“Lesbian Office Seductions 8,” starring Julia Ann, Dana DeArmond, April O’Neil, Evelyn Lin, Maddy O’Reilly, Aiden Starr, Jessie Andrews, and London Keyes, will be released this winter.