Gram Ponante reviews an ass tome

It’s like the slave market in “Roots,” except they’re white Europeans and it’s an anus.

“I agree that there is a lot of pusssy, but surely that can’t be all that’s down here. Hold on—I’ll check.”

Dead these 400 years, Nostradanus’s predictions still hold weight

Gram’s MacBook broke, but a real man known how to do things longhand.

“Ass-Out-of-Pants is a look perfected by plumbers, of course, but anyone can do it,” says GramPonante.com valet Loup Perch-Tounge. “The idea is to maintain plausible deniability. ‘Has my ass fallen out of my pants? Oh, I see it has.’”

“That’s a shitload of sex toys you’ve got there. What does this one do?”

“You put it up your ass,” I replied, “twist it, and stimulate your prostate. That’s what the ‘P’ stands for.”

I should probably dip my bread in Ava the next time I go to Papa Gino’s.

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